Divine Sadism Femdom

Edging.  It is something I have a love/hate relationship with and this month, No-Cum-Vember, has been especially illustrative of the struggles I have.

This past month at my Rites of Redemption, I was given two tasks. The first, like all the other s-types at DSF, was to not cum for the entire month unless given permission by a Divine.  The second was to edge four times a day,

At first, for me, edging is exciting.  Thrilling.  It scratches my itch for frustration, desperation, and especially denial.  The first few days of edging are powerful and fuel my imagination.  I look forward to the task and even try to make extra time to extend the experience a bit, trying to hold each edge for as long as possible.

I imagine the Divine watching me.  Enjoying my frustration and struggling and delighting in seeing me stop before I release, leaving me unfulfilled and aching.

That is how it starts.

After the first few days, I really start to ache.  It is a dull, non-specific sensation that feels a bit like something is being stretched or strained.  It isn’t constant and it also isn’t tied to any specific thing.  It comes and goes, but keeps reminding me of my task and the control the Divine have over me.

I know there is nothing I can do about it, though sometimes exercise or walking helps. I just have to wait for it to subside.

That creates a bit of a spiral, because the more I think about being controlled, the more excited I am by the feelings that evokes and the more I want to edge.

I struggle to push my fantasies out of my head, because they just make things worse.

At this point, I know two things.  Edging is going to feel so good at first, but it will end with frustration and more desperation.  I know, even as I edge, that it is going to make things worse.  My balls get more swollen, needing release.  I leak more, almost excessively, while I edge.  And the frustration and denial will drop me into a state of subspace once I finish.

My mind will fill with fantasies and thoughts of humiliation and I will sink deeper for a while, wanting more and more to cum and more and more to be denied.

It is the tension that I love feeling and exploring.

At that moment, when I am asked “Do you want to cum?” my body and my brain go to war with each other.  My body wants to cum.  It needs to. It is aching.  My balls are swollen and full.  The release would feel so good.  So powerful.  Wave after wave of pleasure.

But my brain wants just the opposite.  To have my body want and even need something that I am not allowed to have.  To feel the control.  That, to me, is the power of denial.  To obey, in spite of what I want or need.  

When I hear, “Do you want to cum? My body screams “Yes!” but my brain says “No! Please make it worse!” One of the perils of being an emotional masochist.

Part of me wants to hate it, because that is what gives meaning to my suffering.  That meaning can be obedience, pleasure, or even just amusement. But it becomes especially acute when I am around a sadist or sadists, because I know it can feed them.

And deep down inside I really do want that. I want to feed them. I want to have that feeling of giving while someone else takes until I have nothing left to give. Left drained and denied.

That is why it has to be for someone else.  It isn’t the act of edging that I enjoy, it is the underlying power dynamic that it represents for me that brings me fulfillment.  The two get connected in my brain and they merge into something that makes the pleasure and the suffering inseparable. 

There is a certain satisfaction I get from completing the circle. There is something very special to me about being able to be the person that allows a sadist to be themselves, without fear and without apology.

But that is only the second stage.

The final stage, which is what I am feeling now (11 days into edging four times a day), is the point where my edging starts to be a lens through which I start to see the world.

It is the first thing I do when I wake up and it will be the last thing I do before I sleep or at least try to.

In between, I will find myself daydreaming about things, banking them and saving them until I am so turned on, I will need to edge just to clear my head.  It helps for a while, but it also makes the aching so much worse.  

The aching is now almost constant, so much so that I start to forget about it. It gets reawakened at times, maybe when I move or shift positions, but for the most part it is just there. An ever present reminder that I no longer control that part of me.

I find time to do that twice, knowing that at the end of the day I will curl up in bed after edging myself, aching and throbbing, letting my frustration and denial sink into my psyche and remind me of who I am serving and why.

It takes time to quiet my mind and my body to calm down, but eventually I do, drifting off to sleep, primed for my mind to take me to a place where anything is possible.